First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
