I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
