I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
