So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
