I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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