Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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