remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
