Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
