Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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