Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
