you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
