my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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