I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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