I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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