No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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