if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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