I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
