I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
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So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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