My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
