Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
