Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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