I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
