i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
