Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
