watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
