There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So squirting runs in the family.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
