When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
