dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
