Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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