I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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