Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
