I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
