He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
