you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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