I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
