So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
