so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
