I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
