Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
only you would photoshop your dick
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
