What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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