I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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