just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
be right there i have to get my cape
i think i just lost a toe
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
