Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

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(631): View more from New York

You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.

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(802): View more from Vermont

the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?

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