How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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