Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
birth control should be required to get into college
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
