I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
