its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
