I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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