It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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