After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize