I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole