There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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