You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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