I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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