flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
