Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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