Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
