so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
