you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
