a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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